did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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