You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
