I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
