is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
