I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize