Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
