I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i can't believe i had my finger in that
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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