Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
