I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I AM VODKA MAN
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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