there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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