My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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