New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
