I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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