The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
