she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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