BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
