I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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