Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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