i think my tv is drunk
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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