He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
