sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
