WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
