I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Couch. On fire.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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