He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
