Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We got so high we made milksteak
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
