Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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