Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
