That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
she peed on how many people?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
