I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
