Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize