is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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