You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
