Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
