I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You have to summon your inner elephant
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
we're so committed to being not committed
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
