I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize