i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
