so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I don't want my vagina anymore.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize