She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
