I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We have started to decorate penises.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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