Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
