i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
