I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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