Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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