He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
