I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
