my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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