I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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