i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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