im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize