Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
