alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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