All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
my liver is dry heaving
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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