when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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