I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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