Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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