Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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