Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
