Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
