I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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